stuck in a hotel with my beyond religious family and wishing i was anywhere else, reading this helped me melt into the lobby couch a little better and be grateful i could find a moment or two for my own solitude. thank u!
Really appreciate all the perspectives in this essay. I had a typical Gen X patriarchal childhood—abusive dad, passive mom, numerous bullies targeting my natural femininity. So glad I discovered David Bowie, who embraced himself and didn’t waver. Real emotional nuance didn’t come until my thirties, and my relationships strengthened, thanks to kind, patient women who helped me unpack. As a restaurant server, I listen to men dominate discussions and jokingly belittle their wives. For the sake of diplomacy, I can only ignore them, and lend all credence to the women at the table. I feel (I hope) we’re watching that boorish world pass away.
This is something I’ve been wrestling with myself. I like the way you handled an arrogant person. A question I keep getting stuck on, if I don’t react emotionally to someone like George treating me poorly, am I giving into patriarchal stoicism in a new way?
Something I hear in your question is the concern that restraining yourself from lashing out is equal to accepting or inviting poor treatment of you. I grapple with this question too. My personal experience/handling of the situation was influenced by the fact of this guy being a friend’s partner, my own desires for the outcome of the weekend, and having my Jim and Sean there to provide relief/support in moments I felt like I couldn’t deal with it anymore. But there is no prescriptive answer — everyone has to answer this for themselves on a case by case basis.
Feel free to dm me if you’d like to talk about it more.
honored to witness -- thank you always for sharing. literally reading The Will to Change right now (what a book!!!!!!!!). i resonate with being "like a boy" in that stoic, anti-feminist way in high school, and now i find myself in a similar stage of growth, developing the skill of giving that measured response that makes room for someone's reactions while also maintaining my boundaries and sense of self. i see that kind of response as an act of loving oneself, of giving myself the best possible chance of having a reasonable, manageable time.
This is so good, and well-timed. I keep thinking I'm somehow "post-feminist" now because I've done my best to create a non-traditional life and I want to see equity for all people. But the patriarchy always finds a way to undermine and horrify me and I revert to pure rage at the violence that men continue to enact on the world. But so much of it boils down to boys being raised by violence, and sometimes it manifests so subtly in our relationships with each other.
i love youre way to present an issue , telling different sides of how to wiew it, and ending up with a conclusion that always are rather sharp. I am learning so much about peoples behaviour and especially womens when i am reading youre storys. Thanks for youre brilliant mind and pen.
stuck in a hotel with my beyond religious family and wishing i was anywhere else, reading this helped me melt into the lobby couch a little better and be grateful i could find a moment or two for my own solitude. thank u!
thanks for using your precious alone time to read it :) wishing you more peaceful moments of escape during your trip!
Really appreciate all the perspectives in this essay. I had a typical Gen X patriarchal childhood—abusive dad, passive mom, numerous bullies targeting my natural femininity. So glad I discovered David Bowie, who embraced himself and didn’t waver. Real emotional nuance didn’t come until my thirties, and my relationships strengthened, thanks to kind, patient women who helped me unpack. As a restaurant server, I listen to men dominate discussions and jokingly belittle their wives. For the sake of diplomacy, I can only ignore them, and lend all credence to the women at the table. I feel (I hope) we’re watching that boorish world pass away.
This is something I’ve been wrestling with myself. I like the way you handled an arrogant person. A question I keep getting stuck on, if I don’t react emotionally to someone like George treating me poorly, am I giving into patriarchal stoicism in a new way?
Something I hear in your question is the concern that restraining yourself from lashing out is equal to accepting or inviting poor treatment of you. I grapple with this question too. My personal experience/handling of the situation was influenced by the fact of this guy being a friend’s partner, my own desires for the outcome of the weekend, and having my Jim and Sean there to provide relief/support in moments I felt like I couldn’t deal with it anymore. But there is no prescriptive answer — everyone has to answer this for themselves on a case by case basis.
Feel free to dm me if you’d like to talk about it more.
A wonderful Sunday read. Thanks Drew
“damaged by all the shenanigans” would be a good mantra. Beautiful writing as always.
honored to witness -- thank you always for sharing. literally reading The Will to Change right now (what a book!!!!!!!!). i resonate with being "like a boy" in that stoic, anti-feminist way in high school, and now i find myself in a similar stage of growth, developing the skill of giving that measured response that makes room for someone's reactions while also maintaining my boundaries and sense of self. i see that kind of response as an act of loving oneself, of giving myself the best possible chance of having a reasonable, manageable time.
This is so good, and well-timed. I keep thinking I'm somehow "post-feminist" now because I've done my best to create a non-traditional life and I want to see equity for all people. But the patriarchy always finds a way to undermine and horrify me and I revert to pure rage at the violence that men continue to enact on the world. But so much of it boils down to boys being raised by violence, and sometimes it manifests so subtly in our relationships with each other.
What a great read!
Also, I am obsessed with the photos that are peppered throughout. Bravo 🫶🏼🩷
i love youre way to present an issue , telling different sides of how to wiew it, and ending up with a conclusion that always are rather sharp. I am learning so much about peoples behaviour and especially womens when i am reading youre storys. Thanks for youre brilliant mind and pen.